While I rarely indulge email forwards, this is one that I received that really made me giggle.  I wish I could credit its clever author (I suspect it was a Brit), but as it came to me through a chain of email forwards, I will have to post it anonymously and just give the disclaimer that I am not the author.  Hopefully it causes no offense—I figure since it makes fun of everyone (or, as the British would say, it’s “taking the piss”), we can all take it in good spirit.  What fun is life, after all, if we can’t laugh at ourselves, especially during times of international uncertainty when we should unite?

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist  threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed”  to “Peeved.”  Soon, though, security levels may be raised  yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”  The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized  from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.”  The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.”  They don’t have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for  the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”  The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.   Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”  Two more levels remain:  “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”  The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.”  They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and  “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern  hemisphere…New Zealand  has also raised  its security levels—from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”  Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of  spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “S**t, I  hope Australia will come and rescue  us.”

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries”  to “She’ll be right, mate.”  Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend,” and “The barbie is cancelled.”  So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Hopefully that gave you a bit of a laugh at the international community you’ll be living near and among when you relocate to London.  When that time comes, there’s no need for you to raise your personal alert level—London Relocation Ltd. will be here for you to find a high-quality, conveniently located London flat where you can feel safe and without stress.

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